Many times we don't treasure what we have until it is too late.  We take a lot of things for granted.  I like fried oysters, but I didn't bother to eat it before I left Singapore (and Thailand).  So, for the two and a half years that I was in the States, I just had to keep thinking about my fried oysters without being able to do anything about it.  I didn't know how to make good fried oysters.  No restaurants sold the kind of fried oyters that I liked.  But you know there are many other things other than fried oysters that have been taken for granted - something like relationship.

 

I'm dying to leave Charlottesville and go back to where there are people who love me not for what I can give them but for who I am.  Does that kind of friendship, etc. exist only when you were  younger than 20?  If too young, your friends may want your sweets.  If too old, they may want your whatever else more sophisticated like your time...

Guess mine is not the first heart broken,
my eyes are not the first to cry I'm not the first to know,
there's just no gettin' over you
Hello, I'm just a fool who's willing to sit around
and wait for you
But baby can't you see, there's nothin' else
for me to do I'm hopelessly devoted to you
But now there's nowhere to hide,
since you pushed my love aside I'm not in my head,
hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you,
hopelessly devoted to you
My head is saying "fool, forget him",
my heart is saying "don't let go"
Hold on to the end, that's what I intend to do
I'm hopelessly devoted to you
But now there's nowhere to hide,
since you pushed my love aside I'm not in my head,
hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you,
hopelessly devoted to you

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” -Dr. Seuss

I actually have more things to say... but let me finish my papersss first, ok?  Haha.. you nerd!...  I haven't seen Audrey in ages...

Yesterday I just played pool.. haha.. fun.. and now suffering from typing law stuff..

In the next two weeks, I will have four papers to turn in.. Am I a journalist?  No, a journalist gets paid for her writing, but I'm paying to be able to write.  Haha no, that's not a logical argument.  I took days to understand property laws and stuff and then days to write my paper.  Oh my god, that was the hardest paper ever.  And guess what, I have contract and tort cases to write about in the next month!  So, after this course, I will either be very knowledgeable about these laws or you won't be able to pay me enough to make me your lawyer because I will be so ewwww to lawsuits. 

 

Actually, if you are considering paying me or somebody else to be yor lawyer, you should think of who would cost more, not in terms of salary but in terms of efficiency.  If you hire somebody else who requires less effort to solve your case, then it is more efficient to let her be your lawyer.  In contrast, if you hire me (maybe because I'm cuter than the other person! Yeah!), the cost difference would create inefficiency - that is it should be for something better, like treat me lunch.  That's what Coase was talking about in his Theory of Social Cost, something I cracked my head trying to understand over the months.  Ok, when you read it, it didn't look as easy as what you just read here.  Anyway, I guess Coase's name should be mentioned elsewhere because it is more worthwhile to write about things that relate to me rather than to some great economist on my blog.  Or maybe I should be a great economist so that the society will achieve optimal efficiency?

 

But I think the most efficient thing to do write now is go back to my second case analysis since it's due a week from today, the same time when my media studies paper is due.  I'm hungry, too.  I still have craving for sushi even though I have had it for a few times this week.  Two days ago day I was sitting outside Physics building, on the lawn behind Ed School, eating sushi and studying maths.  (Had a math testthis morning.  Omg, in one problem, I forgot the simplest thing I should know for the test!)  Really nice weather.  I knew all those squirrels were like "fffhhh ffhhh I want that, too, fffhhh fffhhh."  But sorry, my craving took over your cuteness, squirrels.

I'm so pessimistic, thinking that one day I may not be able to tolerate what is happening with my life anymore.  During my last lecture of today, tears ran down my cheeks while I was taking notes on Carl Jung.  I shouldn't be dwelling in these negative feelings and thinking especially that I will have my first Diff Equa midterm tomorrow.  Just wondering, why people call midterms quizes or tests this semester?  Are they (we) still feeling that it's a beginning of the semester so saying "midterms" is not quite appropriate?

 

I'm so tired.  The pond is icy.  I eat carbohydrate like it's the only type of nutrition exist.  The world is harsh.  Ice on the street get kicked again and again.  And I just want to break every piece of ice on the street.  Kick it against cars that are passing by.

 

I hate my fucking life.  Sometimes I just feel like getting disappeared from this freaking world and having to care no more about whatever shit that is happening around me.  I'm so freaking crazy and I hate every single bit of life.  I want a quite place but there is no quiet place for me.  Nowhere.  I think I can see myself taking my own life some day not far away because I can no more take life as it is.  This is fucking crazy.  I'm not born to suffer and cry everyday. 

Valentine's Day is not the most important day of the year but it surely leaves me some memories.  I was thinking about how my Valentine's Days have been like since the time I was in middle school.  When we were about 13, we just loved to observe who in the class would get Valentine's gitfs.  We were just nosy.  And if you get a bear or something, your classmates will talk about it until the end of next month.  Valentine's Day was like a really big day for us, especially girls.

 

I got my first Valentine's gift when I was 14.  Got it at around 5pm when almost everyone else had already headed home.  During the day, guys would just walk over to their girls' classroom to give them Teddy bears, roses, necklaces, etc.  I remember one my close friends got this huge bear which is really realy cute and we, as in all the classmates, teased her all day long.  That is probably why I got my box of heart-shaped sweets after school.  No one really paid attention in class on Valentine's Day, and I guess the teachers knew it.

 

Then I went to Singapore.  Girls' school and girls' boarding school - those were the two places I spent 80% of my time at.  Two years of not really seeing boys.  And because, I believe, I am straight, I didn't get anything during those two years.  But that was ok.  I think living in a girls' boarding school, though a very strict one, was a kind of ultimate enjoyment.  I got a lot of Hersheys from my neighbors and classmates, whom some of them probably don't see guys that often as well.  We had fun lying on the floor talking nonsense while other people were out to dinner with their dates.  I mean, really, what's the big deal about having a date when you know that you will not get married until, at least, ten years later.

 

Anyway, last year was the first year that I didn't have to wear school uniform on Valentine's Day.  So, it gave me the opportunity to choose what to wear that day.  I thought wearing pink or red would make me look so stupid like I was so into this commercialized world of wearing in-trend colors and whatnot.  So I decided to wear black because I looked thin (or less fat) in it which made me a little happier about myself.  After all, it was a day of love so I should also love myself and feel good about myself.  ( I mean I thought I looked good in it.  Who cared if other people disagreed.  Ok, actually I did care and I still do care a little bit.  Whatever...)

 

How about Valentine's Day this year?  Same mission as when I was in middle school.  I will still "observe" what my friends get on the day... haha.. I think this way, Valentine's Day will be a very fun and eventful occasion.  Oh and I have a presentation to do, too.  To show my love for the organization I'm joining, I will be presenting a budget proposal to the school so that I can feed my organization with a few $$$... haha... Anyway, I shall look forward to Valentine's Day 2007.  A lot of people seem to feel happy on this day and I hope I will also feel that way.

 

A lot of pointless points I made today.  But Valentine's Day is not Einstein's birthday so I don't need that much logic to write this blog.  What?  Ok, I think I really have no points now.  Shall stop right here and wait to enjoy my Valentine's Day.

Water in the pond next to Dell basketball court has turned into ice.  Poor ducks, geese, cranes... I wonder where they are now.  If they wanna go south, they will have to fly across all the farms in Charlottesville... seeing horses, cows, etc... fly across Virginia to wherever that is warmer.  Ok, Virginia is probably considered warm compared to Michigan, etc.... Ok, whatever...

 

I'm taking a jazz/hip-hop dance this semester.  Pretty fun.  Started with all the spins.  There are only two guys in the class out of 21 students.  And one of them looks so funny when he turns or roll his body.  I'm not like a pervert that looks at guys rolling their bodies, but if you are in my class, you will know what degree of fun I'm talking about.  Our spins are just the ballet type of spin.  So we have to spread our arms out before taking the spin.  Then we bring hands in to form a horizontal circle in front of the chest and spin!  If you look at the instructor or some students who have some dance basics, you will see a flow of graceful movements.. But when you look at this heartthrob, you will think that you are looking at a policeman trying to direct cars to go to the side of the road.  And his body rolling, oh my god.. it was so hilarious.  We are supposed to roll our body from the chest down to the hip.  But I guess he was doing it up from his butt to his head.  You try it.  It's not that easy to do!

I can't believe this is really happening.  Last week I was still looking for a Valentine's Day present online - thinking about what I should buy to make it a meaningful day and how I should wrap it to make it a special event.  Yesterday I was still thinking about all the screams that would be heard at the basketball court even though thinking about that reminded me of last semester when I was playing Volleyball intramural with my friends and the person I wanted to see next to the court just wasn't there.

 

But it's come to an end.  This is the longest journey I've taken.  I never thought I would be walking with someone for more than a year - I have never been with anyone for longer than 6 months, except for with my girls.  But now I know we may not even talk like the way we used to - at least that was the confirmation I heard this morning.  It's probably fair since my decision was to choose either left or right, not anywhere in between.  I chose to take the time to be with myself - to improve on my "youngest child" personality and my flunk academics.  I chose to forgo the good times we had and were having.  A lot of people say things come with the goods and the bads.  But I'm not ready to face the bads yet.  Somehow I prefer a straight line rather than a sine curve, but that will never happen in real life.  And that's why this is not the time for me to walk along the curve.  "You are fucking selfish."  I think you are right. 

 

I had a math class at 9 this morning.  I was supposed to be more focused on my studies because that was one reason for everything else to happen.  But I guess it didn't exactly go according to plan.  I was lost in my own thinking many times during the 50min lecture.  But the whole purpose of making that decision was to let myself do what I was supposed to do as a screwed-up student.  It is painful and I hope
I will not lose everything - even my self - in the end.

 

I have no idea since when that I started to walk on the wrong route.  My life is freaking screwed up - just in every aspect one could imagine.  If now I start to live in my own world, will everything get better?  I totally screwed up my life and I don't know how long I can continue to live my life and to pick myself up.

I just read this article and it surprises me that most of the stuff I eat,especially when I am stressed, are food-stressors, not food-supporters.  Here are some interesting facts:

Participants reported that cutting down or avoiding "food stressors" like sugar (80%), caffeine (79%), alcohol (55%) and chocolate (53%) had the most impact on mental health.   So did having more "food supporters" like water (80%), vegetables (78%), fruit (72%) and oil-rich fish (52%).

The survey also found some dietary strategies particularly helpful in encouraging a healthful diet: eating regular meals, carrying nutritious snacks and planning meals in advance.

At times when we're experiencing the nervous-system workout of anxiety, we are in special need of B vitamins, which help maintain our nerves and brain cells. B vitamins also used up in converting food into energy for the body.

A better bet at trying times: bananas, fish, baked potatoes, avocados, chicken and dark green leafy veggies. All are loaded with B vitamins.

Hormones released in response to stress can cause carbohydrate cravings by lowering levels of serotonin, the calming hormone. Increasing carbohydrate intake can strengthen tolerance to stress by boosting levels of serotonin but it can also cause weight gain and overeating, particularly of sugary foods.

No wonder I gained that much weight during O'Level, and subsequent major exams...  Sugar, caffeine, chocolate... I you you all, yet you betray me.  But, hrrr I can't really say good bye to you.  Hopefully we will see each other less often then.

Let's see what I've got to do in this fresh year.  In fact, I wrote down my ny resolutions some days before the new year's eve but now I have already forgotten them.  Luckily that I have them written down on a piece of paper, I have them back in my memory again.  So now I'm gonna transfer them into my space so I will be reminded all year long of the things that are gonna improve myself and make me a better and more efficient person in the year 2007.

 

Do some self-reflection at least once a week.  How about praying every night, too?  Hmm that's kinda hard.

Eat more fruits and veggie.  Salads are sometimes boring but maybe I can go for more fruits at times.

Be more conscious of what I'm doing, so at least I won't keep losing stuff as often as I did last years.

Reduce the amount of entertainment intake.  Like Top Model, don't watch it all day.  Are you gonna be a model?

Fewer big sighs.  Don't let PPM ask me again what that huge sigh is about.

 

1. Self-reflection

2. Fruits and veggie

3. Be conscious

4. Less entertainment

5. Don't sigh

 

Hopefully they are doable.  Hey, hey, not hopefully.  Say "I'm gonna ace it."

I just knew my primary school has a website!!  you may not be as excited as I am because I know my school is not a tech-savvy type of school.  We are like the cute type of schools where children love to do all those cultural things.  Actually we were pretty good in math, too.  A teacher who brought me to many math competitions is still there as a math department chair.  It's been more than ten years since I first attended the school.  One of the teachers who taught my sister, my brother and me has already passed away.  I think she told me she had been with this school for 30 years.. and of course, she is well loved by all the kids.  Awwww.. so sweet... thinking about primary school life when you only worry about minute things, and most things just go fine.  We were scared of a swing in the playground because people kept passing on this ghost story associated with the swing.  Stories mutate over time.  If I go back to school now, I may find a lot of new stories among my juniors.  Lovely.

 

Sai Nam Thip School:

 

ปรัชญา

สุวิชาโน ภะวัง โหติ

ผู้รู้ดีเป็นผู้เจริญ

 

คำขวัญ

ความรู้คู่คุณธรรม นำประโยชน์สู่สังคม

 

สีประจำโรงเรียน

สีฟ้าขาว

ฟ้า หมายถึง ความสงบ สุขุม รอบคอบ

ขาว หมายถึง สะอาด บริสุทธิ์

 

When I read the meaning of my school colors, I felt calmness just like when I stand on a quite beach having a cool breeze running though me.  Last night I was disappointed and felt much despair but now things are more settled.  I realize maybe it is that when I was small, my school taught me only priniciples of Peace, Prudence and Purity.  It's totally not what I am "obsessed" with right now.  I was amazed to raelize that when I was a little kid, those are the principles taught to me which are so different from what I'm learning from the society I'm in right now.  I think it's absolutely true when they say children are like a blank sheet of paper.  As thy grow up, that sheet gets painted and written on.  Some blank sheets may turn into a colored paper, and it varies how much one can see white spots on those very same sheets of paper.  But do I want to go back to that quiet and serene lifestyle like that?  I'm not sure if I can do that even if I want to.  My career path is towards the banking craps and evryone knows banking, investment banking to be exact, definitely has nothing to do with peace and purity.  It's a competition revolving around the theory of evolution: the strongs survive and the weaks die.  That's the real world I'm heading to.

I'm back after a longggg pause.  Feeling kinda down... I just got a grade for my math probability class.. ok I actually have no rights to complain because I couldn't do it anyway, but it's like with all the help from my friends, I should have gotten something better.  Especially because Thip has helped me a lot in this class, he has been even more eager to know the grade than I have.. and it turned out.. not as he has expected.  I just flung the final.. god damn it.  Sometimes really, I think what can I do academically?  When I think about my psychology class, I kinda do well on papers but I suck at multiple-choice tests.. so eventually I would be getting some shit for this class, as usual.

 

Since when have I been so aggressive and speak such words?  This is bad, too.  Oh god, really, what good do I have.. Ok, this saddens me.  I didn't start writing my blog today with sadness.  It was merely some kinda disappointment.  But now I just find nothing happy about life.. ok actually there are some good things about life, but.. but what?  Goddddd.. I don't need to think about these craps...

 

Anyway, I just went to TS web board and found this cute little logic:

 

 

Seven people were dancing in the party!!  So hot!!

 

Damn! My first party - I mean the first dance party in my life excluing semi-formal - had that many people.  Five from my group and another couple were dancing , and about fiftenn other people were talking/ drinking in another section of the party.  So pathetic... there goes my first experience of dance party.

 

Next week is a semi-formal.  I will probably go there with Stella, Thip and others.. if I can find people to go with us.. Haha.. we are so enthusiastic about party these few days...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is a part of "I Know What Women Want" by Colin Clark in the Cavalier Daily (Monday September 11, 2006)

 

"Women like men who need them, but they don't want a guy who is either clingy or too vulnerable.

Women like men who are funny but not all the time.  They must also know how to be serious.

Women like men who care about their appearance enough to dress well.  But if you dress too well, she might call you Liberace behind your back.

A woman wants to be stereotypical "woman" in a relationship, but she does not want to sacrifice any powerin the relationship to do so.  She wants you to hold the door, but not order her meal.  She wants to feel like she is being protected (that's why women usually don't date shorter guys), but she doesn't want you to start any fights.  Buy her flowers and pay for her meal but don't assume you are getting anything out of it.  Makes sense, right?"

 

Colin, you're my man.

 

 

Now, let's look at some statistics from Centers for Disease Control:

 

(Of 15-44 year-old)

10% of males have never had vaginal, oral or anal sex

5.7% of males have engaged in oral sex with another male

11% of females have had sexual experience with another woman

4.1% of males and females think of themselves as homosexual or bisexual

15% of males have been tested for HIV

7% of sexually active males reported being treated for a sexually transmitted infection, other than HIV

 

Interesting...  The CavDaily is not merely about Honor and Single Sanction!

Some ideas from a friend:

 

ไนส์เเต่ไม่เข้าใจ ก็เเปลกๆ ไนส์ไปทามไม

เราว่าเข้าใจ นี่โคตรสำคัญ

บางทีคนเรา ก็ต้องการคนเข้าใจเรานะ

เรื่องไห้บ่อยๆ นี่เสียพลังนะ

บางที คนเราไม่ต้องคิดอาไรมากมันก็สบายใจดีนะ

เราว่าชีวิต เกิดมาทั้งที อยู่อย่างมีความสุขดีกว่า

ทามใจให้สบายๆ ละกัน อาจจะดีมั้ง

คนเรามีวิธีการเเก้ปัญหาต่างๆ กัน

How much do you think self-esteem is essential in our lives?  I think it is.  One doesn't have to be pretty but as long as she thinks she looks good when she walks on the street, she walks happily.  People have the tendency to maintain their self-esteem.  That's one thing I've learnt from my psychology class.

 

I have some thoughts about my own self-esteem... but they are still scatterring in my mind.  I don't know... as I said, I'm confused.  I'm connfused about myself and about my life.  Self-esteem?  Put it aside for now...

 

Today I was reading my psyc textbook and I found one concept really interesting.  I told my friend who was also studying about it but he didn't seem to get as excited as I was, so I ran to a computer and emailed my brother about what I learnt.

 

"When an older brother bullies his little brother, his mother punishes him so that he will stop bullying his brother.  The mother may mildly punish him or severly punish him.

When the mother mildly punishes him, there is small external justification, which is the reason the boy needs to consider why he should or should not do something, in which the reason is not directly related to himself, eg his own virtue of being a good brother.  External justification in this case is that his mother will punish him if he bullies his brother. 

So when there is small external justification (mild punishment by the mother), there is greater need for internal justification, ie why the boy personally thinks he shouldn't be bullying his brother and just disregard the fact that his mother will punish him if he does so.  Because there is no obvious reasons for bullying his brother, he will then tend to think "nah, bullying him is not that fun anyway.." or that sort of thinking.  So, he is likely not to bully his brother in the future.

Therefore, mild punishment actually works better!

Don't you think it's interesting?  Anyway, I just think so.

Palm"

Have I become less smart?  I'm not acclaiming that I was smart in the past, but at least there were some people who thought that I was smart.  What am I good at now?  If people ask me now "Are you good at math?"  "Duh! No! 

 

About four years ago, a friend of mine was so impressed by my answer to her calculus question because, although I forgot the formula, I sketched some graphs that explained what she was asking about.  That memory boosts my self-esteem despite the fact that my brain is actually going downt the drain.  But now, I can't even do simple integration.  I forgot all about math stuff... I'm no longer capable of doing anything related to maths and science, and people around me would think so.  Neither can I do other academic thing...  People don't take my suggestion or answer to their questions seriously because there are people who know it better than I do, which is true.  Am I gonna be a B- student?  I don't know, but this thought is detrimental.  It has been affecting me for quite some time, and if it were to continue, I don't know "who" I will eventually become.

 

Oh!  That's "Impact Bias."  Something I learnt from my Psyc class.  "People overestimate the impact of future events on the intensity and duration of their emotional reactions."

What happened to me today?  I feel like the calm self I had in Boston is diminishing.  I'm scared of possessing a confused mind as I did in my first year of college.  That time, I didn't know who I really was.  Sometimes I thought I was snobbish and sometimes I even wanted to isolate myself from the crowd.  But when I was in Boston, spending a lot of time with myself, I felt the peace in my mind.  I was more conscious of what I was doing and why I was doing it.  That was the statt of mind I hope to attain throughout my life.

 

Now that peaceful mind is running away from me.  I'd probably need some time with myself alone again - just to slow down my busy schedule.  I'm fine.  I just need some time alone, and I think everybody does.