I can't believe this is really happening.  Last week I was still looking for a Valentine's Day present online - thinking about what I should buy to make it a meaningful day and how I should wrap it to make it a special event.  Yesterday I was still thinking about all the screams that would be heard at the basketball court even though thinking about that reminded me of last semester when I was playing Volleyball intramural with my friends and the person I wanted to see next to the court just wasn't there.

 

But it's come to an end.  This is the longest journey I've taken.  I never thought I would be walking with someone for more than a year - I have never been with anyone for longer than 6 months, except for with my girls.  But now I know we may not even talk like the way we used to - at least that was the confirmation I heard this morning.  It's probably fair since my decision was to choose either left or right, not anywhere in between.  I chose to take the time to be with myself - to improve on my "youngest child" personality and my flunk academics.  I chose to forgo the good times we had and were having.  A lot of people say things come with the goods and the bads.  But I'm not ready to face the bads yet.  Somehow I prefer a straight line rather than a sine curve, but that will never happen in real life.  And that's why this is not the time for me to walk along the curve.  "You are fucking selfish."  I think you are right. 

 

I had a math class at 9 this morning.  I was supposed to be more focused on my studies because that was one reason for everything else to happen.  But I guess it didn't exactly go according to plan.  I was lost in my own thinking many times during the 50min lecture.  But the whole purpose of making that decision was to let myself do what I was supposed to do as a screwed-up student.  It is painful and I hope
I will not lose everything - even my self - in the end.

 

I have no idea since when that I started to walk on the wrong route.  My life is freaking screwed up - just in every aspect one could imagine.  If now I start to live in my own world, will everything get better?  I totally screwed up my life and I don't know how long I can continue to live my life and to pick myself up.

I just read this article and it surprises me that most of the stuff I eat,especially when I am stressed, are food-stressors, not food-supporters.  Here are some interesting facts:

Participants reported that cutting down or avoiding "food stressors" like sugar (80%), caffeine (79%), alcohol (55%) and chocolate (53%) had the most impact on mental health.   So did having more "food supporters" like water (80%), vegetables (78%), fruit (72%) and oil-rich fish (52%).

The survey also found some dietary strategies particularly helpful in encouraging a healthful diet: eating regular meals, carrying nutritious snacks and planning meals in advance.

At times when we're experiencing the nervous-system workout of anxiety, we are in special need of B vitamins, which help maintain our nerves and brain cells. B vitamins also used up in converting food into energy for the body.

A better bet at trying times: bananas, fish, baked potatoes, avocados, chicken and dark green leafy veggies. All are loaded with B vitamins.

Hormones released in response to stress can cause carbohydrate cravings by lowering levels of serotonin, the calming hormone. Increasing carbohydrate intake can strengthen tolerance to stress by boosting levels of serotonin but it can also cause weight gain and overeating, particularly of sugary foods.

No wonder I gained that much weight during O'Level, and subsequent major exams...  Sugar, caffeine, chocolate... I you you all, yet you betray me.  But, hrrr I can't really say good bye to you.  Hopefully we will see each other less often then.

Let's see what I've got to do in this fresh year.  In fact, I wrote down my ny resolutions some days before the new year's eve but now I have already forgotten them.  Luckily that I have them written down on a piece of paper, I have them back in my memory again.  So now I'm gonna transfer them into my space so I will be reminded all year long of the things that are gonna improve myself and make me a better and more efficient person in the year 2007.

 

Do some self-reflection at least once a week.  How about praying every night, too?  Hmm that's kinda hard.

Eat more fruits and veggie.  Salads are sometimes boring but maybe I can go for more fruits at times.

Be more conscious of what I'm doing, so at least I won't keep losing stuff as often as I did last years.

Reduce the amount of entertainment intake.  Like Top Model, don't watch it all day.  Are you gonna be a model?

Fewer big sighs.  Don't let PPM ask me again what that huge sigh is about.

 

1. Self-reflection

2. Fruits and veggie

3. Be conscious

4. Less entertainment

5. Don't sigh

 

Hopefully they are doable.  Hey, hey, not hopefully.  Say "I'm gonna ace it."